


Tulips and You

by JankyOnce



Series: Flowers are the Way to a Girl's Heart [1]
Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hanahaki Disease, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-01-25 19:11:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18580813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JankyOnce/pseuds/JankyOnce
Summary: Momo falls hard for her best friend and it can't get any worse, until it does.ORMinatozaki Sana is going to be the death of Momo, just maybe a bit too literally.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> It's still the 23rd where I live, so Happy Chaeyoung Day! Time for a celebratory Samo and Hanahaki AU :D

_Darling~, happy birthday!_

 

She clasped at her neck, the choking feeling growing more and more unbearable.

 

_Sana’s Jihyo~_

 

She felt the pieces rise up her throat, the petals whirling up her windpipe.

 

_I’m flirting?_

 

The dryness left her throat, and she felt the shards fill her mouth.

 

_You shouldn’t fall for people who flirt with you_

 

She opened her mouth, allowing the light pastel petals to spill into the trash can.

 

She sat back, leaning on the bathroom wall. Her wheezing slowed down, and a single thought filled her mind.

 

Why did Minatozaki Sana have to be so lovable.

 

—-

 

_Mina-unnie is really beautiful_

 

The petals cut at her throat, feeling the taste of copper and vanilla sinking onto her tongue.

 

_Dahyun-unnie… is really perfect_

 

They stuck onto her tongue, and she spat them out roughly into the trash can.

 

_I’m a baby~_

 

This was stupid, these feelings that chipped at her heart. She balled her fist and slammed it into the ground, she felt her knuckles beginning to swell, and left it limply at her side. She held back the pricking tears inside her eyes, and felt thick bile fill up her throat once again.

 

Why did she have to fall in love with Chou Tzuyu.


	2. Maybes...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhh I finally took this out of wip hell, thanks for all who waited for the first chapter! ;;  
> critiques and comments are encouraged <3

Momo writhed uncomfortably under the covers, trying to make herself go back to sleep despite her phone blaring its alarm just a few feet away. She sighed, the ringing reminding her of another monotonous schedule awaiting her at some ungodly hour. After slapping her phone silent, she groggily sat up, recoiling at the grainy feeling in her throat. She trudged into the bathroom, cursing at some holy deity for making their photoshoot this early in the morning as she grabbed her toothbrush.

 “Moguri!” Momo’s head perked at her name being called, feeling someone tackle her from behind. She managed to balance herself, already used to her friend’s unusual morning ritual. 

“Good morning to you too Satang,” Momo musters out with her toothbrush still in her mouth.

“Did you sleep well?” She hears from behind, as she wrapped her hands around Momo’s waist.

“Mmphmmpf,” Momo replied, resuming to brush her teeth. 

“Jeongyeon said to wake you up, she’s making pancakes,” Sana’s hold released, “I’ll make sure they save some for you!” She smiled at Momo, the kind where her eyes crinkled at the corners and made Momo’s face go florid. The girl skipped away, letting Momo finish washing up. She felt refreshed, Sana’s morning call and the prospect of Jeongyeon’s fluffy pancakes had brought her out of her morning delirium. Her throat still felt gravelly though, maybe she was coming down with something. Momo shrugged the thoughts off and made her way to the kitchen. 

/ / /

“I’m telling you, the cockroach was this big!” Chaeyoung exclaimed, making a circle the size of her palm as she retold the previous night’s bug fiasco. The story had lightened up the groggy mood in the van as they headed towards the studio. She sighed exasperatedly as her unnies shook with mirth at their maknae’s dismay.

“Alright Chaeyoung, whatever you say,” Jeongyeon consoled the pouting child as the others watched giddily. 

“You guys are the worst,” Chaeyoung grumpily crossed her arms as she sunk back into her seat as they mimicked her retelling. Momo played along, but she felt a sharp jolt of pain spike in her chest mid-laugh, suddenly making her wince. She quickly checked around, but the rest of the members hadn’t noticed. Deciding to brush it off, she joined back in the chatter.

/ / /

The itch in her throat wasn’t subsiding. It was as if someone had thrown sand in her mouth, the dry feeling was becoming more and more irritating. Even after eating her new binge food, maratang, she felt the itchiness grow worse thanks to the tangy spice from the soup.

Momo opted out of dinner early, saying something about losing weight for the comeback. After slumping on her bed, she closed her eyes, trying to ignore the branching pain in her throat. She doesn’t know how long she stayed like that, slowly curling up into a ball, until she feels a dip in the mattress, as someone lightly taps her arm. Momo cracked open her eyes, squinting as they adjusted to the lights in the room while she sat up.

“You should probably drink this,” it’s Sana, holding up a glass of water for her. Momo visibly recoiled at the sight of the liquid, much to Sana’s amusement. 

“Can’t I have soda?” Momo whined, lightly pawing at her friend.

“Nope,” Sana grinned, “I know you didn’t drink anything other than soda today anyway.” Momo winced in defeat at the truth. Sana sometimes knew her a bit too well. She grabbed and began to slowly sip the drink. She frowned at the usual bland and stagnant flavor, but it definitely soothed her throat. After a bit more coercing from Sana, she managed to finish the glass of water, placing it onto her nightstand. They scooted towards the wall side of the bed, Sana leaning on her shoulder. Sana started a stream of rambles from the day as Momo comfortably listened, the pain from earlier gone from her mind.

Sana was in the middle of talking about a card she had received from a fan when she suddenly shifted off Momo’s shoulder, placing a hand on Momo’s forehead.

“I knew it,” Sana muttered as she replaced her hand with her own forehead, “You’re getting sick. I knew something was off, you usually cut in all the time when I’m telling my stories.”

“Wha-” Momo shifted away from Sana, “what do you mean? I feel fine,” The sudden closeness was just making her face unnaturally warm. She placed her own hand on her forehead, surprised to find a few degrees warmer than usual. Sana was eyeing her worriedly, and Momo could feel her chest clench at the face the girl was making. “I’m serious Satang, I feel fine,” She reassured, hoping to ease her friend’s intense stare. 

“Let’s get you something just to be sure,” Sana placed her hand over Momo’s, “okay?” Well, what was Momo going to say to her, no? 

Before she knew it, Sana had made her drink some more water (disgusting) along with some weird herbal tea.  

“Okay, okay, I literally feel fine, I’m not a little kid,” Momo pouted as Sana patted her forehead again.

“I know, I know, I just don’t want you to get sick,” Sana softly smiled, her round caramel eyes filled with affection “BFF duties, y’know? You would do the same for me.” Momo ruffles her hair, letting herself enjoy the domestic feeling engulfing both of them. “Alright, don’t go to bed too late,” Sana reminded as she got up.

“Aye aye Mom,” Momo joked back, chuckling as Sana stuck her tongue out at her.

/ / /

It hurts.

Momo’s eyes fluttered open as she felt lungs squeezing for air. She managed to quietly untangle out of bed without waking up her roommate sleeping next to her, unimaginably grateful that Jeongyeon was a heavy sleeper. Her throat was burning, a pulsing pain thumped against her chest. She scrambled to the bathroom in the noiseless dark, holding in the need to choke out a cough. After flipping the lights on and closing the door, Momo gripped the trash can, hacking out a chain of dry coughs. It was the sensation that something was scratching at her throat, yet she couldn’t retch it out no matter how hard she tried.

It came in waves. She would think it would be over, slowly calming herself, when a sudden clench in her chest would erupt another coughing fit. She lost track of how long she stayed like that, hunched over the trash can as she gagged out nothing but air and saliva. Her chest tightened with every cough, making her heave for air in every breath. Her skin felt unbearably hot as her eyes blurred from pricking tears. Her body racked in pain over and over, until her body tired and the aching slowly subsided. Momo tasted iron in the back of her mouth, along with something velvety stuck to the side of her mouth. She wiped her mouth, carelessly spitting into her palm. It was a petal. A small yellow petal, around the size of her thumb. A hollow feeling carved into her stomach. This couldn’t be happening, not to her. The whole room seemed to spin as she clutched her sides, she wanted to hurl.

Momo wobbled out of the bathroom, her eyes blurring as her head pounded against her skull. After somehow making it back to her bed, she collapsing onto the covers. She was okay. Everything was okay. She just needed to sleep.

/ / /

Momo doesn’t know when it started.

Maybe it was when they were still trainees, and they had a conversation solely of emojis. Maybe it was when she stayed with Sana all night in her bed during a thunderstorm. Maybe it was when Sana stayed with her when she cried for hours from being homesick.

Maybe it was the first time they saw someone cough up flowers.

It was terrifying, watching someone puke out petals and bulbs, their body shivering weakly. It was in the middle of dance practice, some trainee had suddenly collapsed, spitting out flower petals. Momo still remembers the way Sana gripped her hand while an ambulance carted the girl out. Practice was cut early, and word started to spread.

Oranthoptysis. It was a disease, flowers growing in one's lungs from unconditional unrequited love. It was incredibly rare because most people wouldn’t hold onto a passionate one-sided love for such a long time. It was only cured if the love was reciprocated or the flowers were surgically removed. If it wasn’t treated, the patient would suffocate on those flowers, but if it was treated, they’d lose the ability to love that person forever.

The girl died a week later.

Momo remembers finding Sana sobbing in their room, mourning about how much it must’ve hurt for that girl, how hard it must be to be in love while being in so much pain.

_“She must’ve known the consequences if she had it for so long. She picked to love that person until she died.”_

_“Why would someone do that to themselves?”_

_“Well, she probably loved them more than that person would ever realize, but revealing it could’ve jeopardized their relationship.”_

_“Pfft, when did you get so philosophical Momoring.” Momo laughed, thankful that her friend had stopped crying. “But… promise me, if you ever fall in love with someone, you’ll tell me?”_

_“I promise,” Momo ruffled her hair gently, “that’s what best friends are for, right?”_

Liar. 

/ / /

Maybe it was the time she saw Sana with someone else, the two of them cuddled on the couch. One day she would be whispering to Dahyun, another she would be giggling with Tzuyu. The gentle touches, the quiet murmurs weren’t just for Momo, because Sana was filled with love, and she gave it to everyone. It didn’t inflict a reaction then, but now?

The realization jumbled her mind, she was growing so confused. Why did she feel so empty about Sana loving others? That wasn’t fair, Sana deserves to love anyone, and Momo shouldn’t be someone to stop that. But it hurt, watching Sana plant smooches on their groupmates, it hurt even more, when the affection was displayed towards her. 

Thinking about Sana made her head go into overdrive, she couldn’t completely comprehend the unknown feelings that were flooding her senses. But she knows rose-tinted glasses weren’t fixated on her face like the flick of a switch. She had fallen for Minatozaki Sana from the very beginning, and she’s just been tumbling down deeper from then on.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can also scream at me on my [janky new twitter account B)](https://twitter.com/jankyonce)


	3. Karma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooo angst :D  
> comments and critiques are appreciated! <3

Momo decided to make a line. The questionable touches were refused, the overbearing closeness was denied. Momo knew Sana noticed the sudden restrictions. But she needed space. All the intimacy was platonic, it didn’t mean the same to Sana as it did to her.

 

The thoughts should have gone away. The petals weren’t going away. The wishes and the longing to feel her should have subsided once she drew that line. But they never did, just staying there, waiting for her to break down. _It’s because she’s so lovable_ Momo deduced. Sana didn’t deserve the pressure of a confession from a girl nor her best friend. So Momo would gladly conceal her feelings.

/ / /

 

“You shouldn’t fall for people so easily.”

 

/ / /

Momo knows that she’s timid. And she knows Minatozaki Sana is the exact opposite of timid. When Momo fails to speak up, Sana’s always there to voice her opinions for her. When Sana’s sad, she’ll let the group know. But with Momo, it’s harder to express her feelings, she’d rather bottle them up and store them away.

 

What Momo doesn’t know is that ignoring Sana is like trying to ignore a sad puppy. She’s seen the side-effects of snubbing the girl, but being the direct recipient was a whole other story. Whenever she inched her hand away from Sana’s, the pout she got twisted her gut. Refusing hugs got her adorable whines in return. Momo was sure she was getting punished, because every sulky look Sana gave her seemed to make her lungs pinch in pain. She was trying to be subtle in distancing herself from Sana but the girl was making it way harder. She’s only able to muster half a month before Sana confronts her.

 

“Are you avoiding me?” She froze as Sana grabbed her wrist as Momo came out of the bathroom. It was still early in the morning, and only a few members needed to be at a photoshoot, including them.

 

“No,”Momo hates how lying had become a knee-jerk reaction at this point, “why?” Sana’s still looking at her, a pensive pout forming on her lips.

 

“Momo,” the nerves in her wrist Sana was grasping were sparking and making the room feel way too hot, “is everything okay?”

 

“Yeah, everything’s great,” Momo swallowed hard, pushing down the rising lump in her throat, “am I acting weird?” She let out a nervous chuckle, focusing on the way Sana’s grip slightly tightened at her answer.

 

“I want you to be honest with me right now,” Her voice hardened, sending tingles down Momo’s spine.

 

“Have I ever lied to you?” Momo painstakingly smiles at her, ignoring the piercing feeling in her heart.

 

**_Liar._ **

****

“Then why have you been avoiding me lately?”

 

“What do you mean?” She couldn’t hold Sana’s gaze, deciding to inspect the edges of the hallway.

 

“You’re a really bad liar Momo,” Sana let go of her wrist, running her hand through her maroon locks, “can you just tell me if it’s something I did? I don’t know what’s wrong unless you tell me.” Her mouth was going dry, feeling the lump in her throat rise back. She doesn’t want to lie. But she knows the answer Sana’s looking for isn’t the one she has. She settles on a half-truth.

 

“I..It’s not you, it’s me. I’m the problem,” Momo could feel the bits of anger in Sana’s face spread into confusion, “It has nothing to do with you, so you don’t have to worry about it.”

 

Sana let out an exasperated sigh, “You know you can tell me what’s bothering you, that’s what best friends are for, right?”

 

“I know, I just really need some space,” Momo rubbed the hem of her shirt, feeling the building tension slowly dissolve.

 

“Alright,” Sana gave her an understanding smile, “but whenever you need someone to talk to, I’m always here.”

 

/ / /

And Sana gives her space. And it hurts.

 

The empty space next to her on the couch, the lack of sleepy conversations in the van, the ghost of her palm against her own while they walk. It should be easier, Momo tells herself, she can get over Sana easier this way. But the flowers prove her wrong, only multiplying every time, and she can taste the karma infused with copper in the back of her mouth. She’s stuck in a sad miserable state during schedules, trying to ignore her presence.

/ / /

She’s with Tzuyu at a convenience store near their dorm after they lost a round of mafia. They’d been kicked out with a list of snacks to buy for the group. Momo was trying to find a box of choco pie to buy for Dahyun when she feels the maknae sidle up next to her in the aisle.

 

“Did you and Sana-unnie fight?” she asked, innocently observing the aisle display. Her words came out slow but sure, every syllable seemed to be enunciated far too clearly. Momo felt her brain buffer from the question.

 

“No,” Momo felt her throat close up, nervous at the growing possibility of confrontation, “what makes you think that?”

 

“You guys haven’t talked for a week and you keep looking like a bereft puppy any time anyone even mentions her name,” Oh God, her hands were getting clammy too.

 

“We… had a talk, there was a small misunderstanding,” She explained, “We talked it out, I just needed some space,” Tzuyu hummed in response.

 

“It seems like there still is a misunderstanding,” Momo eyed her warily.

 

“What’s that suppos-” 

 

“Do you think Sana-unnie’ll like green tea pocky?” Tzuyu asked nonchalantly, holding up two boxes of snacks, “they’re out of original so she’s getting green tea or strawberry flavor instead.”

 

“She’s had strawberry flavor before, I’m not sure she liked it though,” Momo shrugged, deciding to ignore what Tzuyu said earlier, “I don’t think she’s ever had green tea flavor.”

 

“Has she tried other green tea flavored snacks?” Tzuyu raised an eyebrow.

 

“Mhm, they’re super bitter and they have a weird aftertaste, so I don’t like them,” Momo located the box of choco pie.

 

“Does Sana-unnie like them though?” Momo just shrugs again, trying to find the other requested snacks, ignoring the euphemism in her words, “So which one do you think I should pick?” Tzuyu raised an eyebrow as she waved the boxes in front of her.

 

“I’d say go for strawberry, she might not like a new flavor she hasn’t tried before.”

 

“Okay,” Tzuyu ambled to the cashier, “Come outside when you’re done paying, I’ll be waiting.”

 

Momo mentally apologized to her wallet while paying for the mountain of snacks. She was definitely going to listen Nayeon during lynching sessions the next time they played mafia. As they walked back to the dorm, she suspiciously eyed the younger’s items.

 

“Why’d you get both flavors?”

 

“I think I’ll let Sana-unnie decide which one she likes,” Tzuyu harmlessly smiled at her, leaving Momo even more confused. She was definitely hanging out with Chaeyoung too much, everything the girl was saying was ambiguous and a bit too astute. They didn’t say anything else on the way back, letting the rumbling sounds of the city fill their empty conversation.

 

 “It sucks having to lie to the people you care about, doesn’t it?” Tzuyu commented as she punched in the password to their front door. Momo’s breathing hitched. She felt it again, the crawling sensation in her lungs. “So next time you’re mafia, try not to drag your fellow partner in crime down with you with your horrible lying skills, unnie.” Tzuyu gave her another smile before opening the door, leaving Momo to cogitate outside.

 

Sana ended up picking green tea, but she still stomached the other box later into the night. Momo ignored the knowing look Tzuyu shot her from across the room when Sana excitedly chomped away the snack.

 

_There’s no way she knows._

 

/ / /

They were blooming.

 

Coming out in full flower heads. She was making routine rounds to the bathroom to cough out more blood and buds during practices. She was getting lightheaded more after activities.

 

The tension was wearing off between them, Sana was sending her more forlorn looks. She hated the pity directed towards her, she hated how she had to secretly take ibuprofen to avoid any more plaintive gazes.

 

Throwing up petals at night within the confines of her bathroom seemed to become one the mediocrities of her routine. It still hurt like hell though. Momo stared at the pile of petals inside her trash can, the sight becoming unnervingly familiar at this point. She felt a lump rise up her throat, scratching its way up as her body racked in pain to force it out. She choked out petals, heaving for air as she felt each breath give her less and less air. The taste of iron and vanilla stained her tongue as she hurled out another flower head, her sight blurred from the tears pricking her eyes.

 

She almost wanted to laugh, laugh at the stupidity of it all. Laugh at the fact that dumb idiot fell in love with her best friend. Laugh at how that dumb idiot was for still loving her, despite knowing that she might as well win the lottery than have the honor of being with her. She let out a dry, humorless laugh. It came out more like a hack as her throat was aching.

 

 She couldn’t hold it in. She covered her mouth as she let tears spill down, muffling each cry. She hated how she still loved Sana even after the weeks of trying to stop. She hated how her smile could still light up her day. She hated how her laugh was the only thing Momo wanted to hear for the rest of her life. She hated how she only wanted her soft giggles and whispers to herself.

 

Momo thinks she’s starting to hate herself.

 

 

“That took a while,” Momo jumped at the voice as she shut the bathroom door, bag of petals in hand. She whipped her head around, making eye contact with her groupmate.

 

“We need to talk,” Chaeyoung sat comfortably at their dining table, “how about you put that bag down unnie?”

 

“Where are the others?” Momo asked, still standing.

 

“Schedules,” She responded simply, “this is just going to be a talk between you and me.” Momo warily sat across from her, attempting to clear her sore throat.

 

“I need you to be honest with me right now unnie, everyone’s worried about you,” Chaeyoung explained, “you’re getting way more tired than usual, and after that talk with Sana, you’re distancing yourself from all of us.” The room was growing smaller, Momo could feel the walls closing in.

 

“It’s… been really hectic for me,” She didn’t want to lie.

 

“It’s hectic for all of us, but you’ve never been like this,”Chaeyoung’s eyes were boring into her soul, “if it was just a common cold, it would be gone by now.” Momo couldn’t meet her eyes.

 

“I… I need some space,” Her chair slid back as she stood up.

 

“Unnie, I need you to look at me,” Black dots danced in the corner of her eyes. She feels the blonde gently pull her back down into her seat, “I want you to take care of yourself better, okay?” Her voice was softer, as if Momo was going to shatter any second. Momo squeezed her eyes shut, her heart was hammering against her ribs.

 

“Look at me, please,” Momo slowly opened her eyes, a creeping sensation in the pit in her stomach, “I want you to be happy, I want you to be safe, but you’re going to have to talk to me, okay?” She felt a shaky breath escape her mouth before she mustered a nod. Her heartbeat slowed, she focused on the pitch of Chaeyoung’s voice. She eased her shoulders, oblivious to the fact the tensed up in the first place.

 

She wanted to settle for a half-truth, but at the same time to vent out everything. She combs through an index of ways to word a liable excuse. Yet it all seemed to piece together in the back of her mind without her noticing. The words roll off her tongue before she can stop them.

 

“I’m in love with Sana.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can fangirl with me about twice [@jankyonce](https://twitter.com/jankyonce)


	4. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's here!! barely beta-ed like always, comments and critiques are encouraged <3

 

It’s scary.

 

It’s scary how loud the silence is. It’s scary how her nerves become hypersensitive, yet she ironically can’t feel anything other than the pounding in her head and the ticking in her throat. It’s scary how it’s happening again. The air grows thicker and heavier and it’s getting harder to breath as they’re itching their way back up her throat. It’s scary how she can hear a voice but it’s all muffled, everything’s blurred into an opaque mess.

It’s scary how it all goes quiet.

 

/ / /

Sana’s laugh rings through her ears, it makes her body loosen, her cheeks flush, and her fingers a bit warmer at the tips. Momo opens her eyes, the dim lighting of a street greeting her. Sana lightly hits her shoulder, giggling at some joke she made. The sound reverberates through Momo and it fills her with something so _warm,_ and all she can think about is how something so lovely could possibly exist. Momo could do this forever. Maybe engrave the chord progressions of her voice in vinyl, and let it play endlessly inside her head.

 

/ / /

 

She recognizes the familiar embrace around her waist. They’re in Sana’s bed, and Momo feels a tinge of melancholy from the lemon-scented sheets. A sob breaks the silence inside her head, and she feels the hold on her waist tighten. Sana’s head is burrowed in her shoulder, shaking with muffled cries. Momo swallows the lump in her throat as she pressed a light kiss onto her head. It was one of _those_ days. The ones where they remembered how far away home was, the ones where everything felt heavy and depressing, the ones where they’d just hold each other and cry it out. Momo doesn’t know how, but home just didn’t feel as far when she was with her. Maybe it was the way her curves were perfect for hugging, or her soothing voice, or how simple it was to just be with her.

 

(Maybe Sana was just a piece of home for her.)

 

/ / /

 

 She squeezed her eyes open, the blaring alarm from her phone startling her awake. She dug her face further into her pillow, trying to get a few extra beats of sleep when a hand slapped the back of her head.

 

“Snooze your stupid alarm,” Jeongyeon muttered from the other side of the bed, “some of us don’t have to wake up yet.” Momo groaned as she crawled over her half-conscious roommate and turned off her alarms.

 

**_3 A.M._ **

****

She cursed under her breath, she was supposed to be prepared to leave negative 15 minutes ago. She stumbled into her clothes as she made her way to bathroom. She and Jihyo were supposed to be the first for makeup, and she could already hear the reprimands about her tardiness as she brushed her teeth.

 

After the expected lecture in the van from both Jihyo and their manager, she leaned back into her seat, staring at the sleeping city pass by. The comfort of the leather seat allowed her to notice how tired she’d felt. When’d she go to bed last night? Her eyes narrowed as they stopped at a traffic light. What _happened_ last night? She can feel an incoming headache as she tries to recall the previous night. The memories comes in small jagged chunks, hitting her with sundered senses.

 

It had happened again. She can’t piece together much, just the familiar sensation of the quickly thickening air and bitter taste of vanilla in the back of her mouth. Her skin had burned as she felt the moment shatter from an impact. The rumbling of the engine brings her back. Momo squeezes her eyes shut, _**what**_ happened?

 

She can hear the voice, _Chaeng_ was there. Did she cough up flowers in front of her? How’d she end up in her own bed after? She needed to talk to Chaeyoung. Her skull ached from the string of recalled memories. A flurry of possibilities filled her brain to the brim, she didn’t see the trash bag this morning, _who_ cleaned it up? Did they see inside it? Momo slumped against the van door, sighing at the newfound complications.

 

/ / /

 

She catches Chaeyoung during their lunch break, the girl hadn’t avoided her earlier, so she was probably fine last night. Emphasis on probably. Momo brings them to the empty makeup room, careful to check for people.

 

“Why’re you acting so weird?” Chaeyoung finally asks as Momo double-checks the bathroom.

 

“Here’s a better question, what happened last night?” The blonde’s eyebrows quirk upward with a hint of something between amusement and concern.

 

“Do you not remember?”

 

“Why else would I be asking?”

 

“To test me?”

 

“Why the flying fuck would I try to ‘test’ you,” Chaeyoung takes a step back, blinking in confusion.

 

“Oh wow, so you _did_ forget.”

 

“Could you elaborate on _what_ exactly I forgot about?” She asked exasperatedly as Chaeyoung raises her hand and begins to list things off.

 

“I was telling you that you needed to talk to Sana,” Chaeyoung puts a finger down, “you were really distant the whole conversation,” another finger, “you kind of,” she paused, “broke down?” another finger, “oh, and you told me you liked Sana,” she puts her ring finger down.

 

“I told you?” Momo buffered between each word, carefully reading Chaeyoung’s expression.

 

“Yeah,” she shrugged.

 

“Oh _god_ ,” Momo groaned as she hid her face in her hands.

 

“I told you it was fine, and you kind of rambled for a while.”

 

“Did anything else happen?” She asked cautiously. Chaeyoung paused, eyebrows furrowing in concentration.

 

“Nope.”

 

“What about the trash bag?”

 

“I threw it away? Like a normal person.” Momo let go of her breath, grateful that she somehow managed to avoid the topic of flowers last night. 

 

 “So now, can we _please_ just forget about last night?” Momo pleaded, pinching the bridge of her nose.

 

“I don’t see why you’d want to forget it though, you really need to talk to Sana-unnie.” Momo eyed the girl suspiciously, but only got a completely sincere gaze back.

 

“…I’ll figure it out,” She turned away, “let’s go back to the others, yeah?”

 

The photo shoot ends late into the afternoon, and they still have to rush back for dance practice.  The itching crawls back while they try to synchronize their steps, and she has to swallow each petal back down between moves. She manages to choke out an excuse about a stomachache and dash to the bathroom.

 

Maybe it’s the jolt of pain that sends way too much blood into her mouth, or maybe the fact that she’s been vomiting flowers in a dingy bathroom at their dance studio, but Momo realizes that she can’t do it anymore. Maybe it was the sudden feeling that she really, _truly_ felt like she was suffocating and her brain went into overdrive. Maybe it was the aftershock of it, and it hit her like a cold shower that this was what dying must feel like. And she’s terrified.

 

She finds it ironic as she leans against the stall, staring at the bloody mess beneath her, that the idea of death had just dawned on her, yet she had spent so long worried about her best friend reciprocating her feelings.

 

/ / /

Momo erases the line. She lets Sana cuddle her during their movie marathons again, initiates their morning hugs again, and starts to banter with her again. Momo tells herself to stop getting stuck in her own head, if she’s going to get even close to confessing, she has to let Sana back in. She stops closing herself in, and instead opens up, letting Sana return to every nook and cranny of her life.  The flowers become rarer. It feels more comfortable than she’d like to admit, and she even wonders why she strayed far from home in the first place.

 

_(“Momoring, you smell like flowers,” the comment makes her stiffen, a moment passes and she recovers with a quip._

_“Maybe I’ve been hanging around you too much.”_

_“You told me to stop flirting but now look at you,” Sana whines. )_

It’s as they’re eating dinner at some barbeque place that she remembers. Sana slides their hands back together like second nature as the others fawn over her recently bleached blonde hair. It hits her like a bullet train, that _this,_ these moments that they shared, were what she was so terrified about losing. Momo looks around, and everyone’s still making jokes, and she, _she could ruin all of this_.

 

It comes back, and she quickly whispers to Sana that she’s taking a bathroom break. She stumbles into the empty restroom, holding the wall for some support because her throat’s already closing up and air’s so scarce and she’s already heaving. She’s waiting for the flowers, waiting for them to tear their way out so she can just go back. An itching thought prods her mind, a reminder that she’s scared and that she might as well stop trying before she manages to somehow choke on her own infatuation. She doesn’t want to think about the precautions, she doesn’t _care_. She’s growing impatient, waiting for stems to scrape along her throat and clog her sinuses with its vanilla musk.

 

The flowers don’t come. But her skull’s still pounding. The air is still as thick if not thicker, and she’s starting to forget how to breathe. It feels so real, but Momo keeps reassuring herself that she’s just imagining it, she definitely _won’t_ die, and that the walls _aren’t_ closing in. Her cogs are turning but dread still creeps into her gut because oh god, maybe she is dying and she feels so god damn vulnerable and then it’s terrifying all over again.

 

She tries to think. Think of something else, get her mind to somewhere better, somewhere _safer_. And her mind places her into Sana’s arms. Some memory from a hotel, they’re giggling after ordering room service. It’s the exact kind of domestic and soothing feeling that she needs right now. It works and her mind just thinks she’s fine and okay again, but Momo’s gut feeling is definitely screaming that she’s _not not **not**_ okay. Maybe it’s the thought of Sana helping her, and on cue, the sweet scent floods her nose and velvety petals flood her mouth. The dingy bathroom lights are too dizzying and bright for her brain too handle right now so she squeezes her eyes shut, but Momo can tell she’s making a mess.

 

She knows she can’t let it out here, not somewhere even semi-private like this. She tries to swallow the petals but more and more are surging their way in. Momo manages to keel into one of the stalls before she chokes on one, and then she’s coughing them out and it _hurts hurt **hurts**_. Momo gasps for air, she can feel buds and stems falling out of her mouth.

 

It’s stupid and ignorant but delirious and forces her brain to try to calm itself again.

 

 Just think of Sana.

 

Just Sana.

 

Sana.

 

Firm hands are clasping her shoulders, she recognizes the familiar grip. They’re holding her up and whispering of ‘ _you’re okay_ ’s and ‘ _I’ve got you’s_. She doesn’t remember this memory, but it lets her relax, just for a moment. The hands try to pull her off the wall, and it shakes her cognition back into gear. This feels too real. She manages to hazily make out a pinkish blonde figure standing in front of her.

 

Momo chokes, because that’s Sana and Sana is watching her and _the flowers_ , not the flowers, _no no **no**_. Sana _can’t_ see her like this, and her growing anxiousness comes with more buds as they roughly drip out her mouth. She manages to cough out weak protests in between but her chest stabs with pain which each syllable. It comes out as a strained cry and it only makes Sana’s blurry expression scrunch with worry.

 

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Momo spits out another petal as she feels Sana pull her closer, rubbing shapes into her back. She keeps whispering calming nothings into her neck and it breaks Momo’s heart that she’s _here_ and she’s _staying_ with her.

 

Sana stays through each cycle. She stays with a feverish-looking Momo and keeps reminding her to breathe, cupping her cheek and wiping tears with blood. She cleans up carefully, handles the reprimands from their manager despite Momo’s protests, claiming that the girl had a stomachache and that they should head back to the dorm early. She squeezes Momo’s hand as they wave a quick goodbye to other members. She stays quiet as one of their managers drives them home, leaving Momo to drown in silence.

 

It takes a bit of the ride for her to process that Sana _saw_ her spit out flowers, that Sana _knows_ that she lied, and she still stayed with her. But, _why_? It clutters her thoughts as a flood of anxiety crashes over her.

 

“Aren’t you mad at me?” Momo hates how hoarse her voice sounds, how small it makes her feel.

 

“You shouldn’t use your voice right now,” Sana huffs in response, and Momo can hear a cohesion of worry and frustration buried deep into her answer.

 

Once they’re back in the dorm, it’s quiet again. They sit on different ends of the couch, clouded with a layer of empty noise. And Momo tries again.

 

“Are you mad at me?” The words roll out thickly, and it takes a few beats for a response.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” It’s laced with something Momo’s rarely witnessed from her, “I told you that you could depend on me, and this- did you think I would be mad? It doesn’t even _matter_ who it is, but why can’t you trust me? Are you ashamed? You know I’d _never_ make fun of you for liking anyone right?” Her eyes are searching for an answer, one that Momo’s too scared to give.

 

“…I was scared,” Momo barely breaches a whisper.

 

“Scared of telling me? The flowers? Why would you even let this happen to yourself? Why can’t you just tell me?”

 

 _Scared of falling for you_. She bites her tongue before it comes out.

 

“You avoided me for half a month because you couldn’t tell me you liked someone, and- and all for what?” Her eyes are red, and Momo holds back every muscle to close the gap between them, to tell her that she’s sorry, and to just have Sana back. Instead she takes a deep breath, and shifted her gaze to the TV across the room.

 

“It’s humiliating.” She pauses. “Being so in love with someone, and they have no idea. It’s absolutely _hopeless_ , is that what you wanted me to say? Because I love everything about you, and that I’m so ready to fight the world for you, ready to even choke to death on flowers for you?” Her hearts pounding, because (1) she wasn’t ready to confess and it just came out naturally and (2) the way Sana’s still staring at her blankly makes her want to dig a hole and hide.

 

 _Fuck it._ She thinks, she was planning on confessing eventually anyway.

 

“It’s you, I’m in love with you, Satang,” The nickname was unexpected, but she watches as the realization hits Sana’s face, something unrecognizable adorning her face, “you don’t have to say anything back, it’s fine. You don’t have to worry either, I just wanted to let you know.”

 

Momo gets up, ready to make a beeline for her room when Sana’s hand grasps her wrist. She tugs her back next to her.

“You idiot,” She turns to face Sana, and Sana presses their lips together before her brain can even process anything else. It takes a few seconds but once they break away Sana looks at her, “you could have just told me, you didn’t need to go through all of this.”

 

Now it’s Momo’s turn to blankly stare at her.

 

“I’m still mad at you, I was so worried for so long and you never told me anything and-” Momo leans forward again and presses their lips together, a bit harder and more sure this time. Sana pants slightly as she moves away. Her voice comes out weakly again, “-but didn’t it hurt?”

 

Her question squeezes Momo’s insides because _of course she’d ask that_ , and she’s smiling at Sana with so much warmth it burns.

 

“Yeah, it did, but not anymore,” She squeezes Sana’s hand.

 

It’s comforting, how home found her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for waiting for the end, you can hmu on twt at [@jankyonce](https://twitter.com/jankyonce)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna be making a Chaeyu part of this after I'm done with this work so bear w/ me please, also this is set around early 2019 january to march xc


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